AGJM, You must know that there are a lot of people with the same feelings and thoughts, like that friend of yours who indirectly saved you. To be honest, I was someone who did that too, until I almost threw myself out of a window from an apartment at the 14th floor... that actually opened my eyes (I was just 18 back then so almost 5 years ago).
You have found a really good way to express your emotions, because that is what depression usually is, keeping your emotions inside. Use PDN, use a diary to express yourself and you'll be okey, although it might take a while...
I feel a bit odd to tell my story, I do not want to pull all the attention over to me, which is a part of the problem why I got depressed in the first place. It started when my parents got a divorce when I was 12 years old. My mom needed someone to talk with and I always listen to people when they need someone to talk to, so she told me that my dad and she were splitting up. I was not allowed to tell it to my brother and sister, of course, that is the job of the parents...
Allright, that was a hard time, I was there for my mom who was very sad whole the time and my dad was, I don't know where. After a couple months she met some guy through the net, but I hated him... My mom, at the same time, started to talk very angry about my dad, told things that were not true, so my mom and I started fighting a lot, till at one point, my dad bought a house nearby and my brother and I went to live there (my brother and I hated each other because he tried to rape me a couple times when I was 12, luckily nothing happened, I told my parents just a couple years ago and found out he did that to my little sister as well).My mom was mad that I moved in with my dad and I did not speak to her again. A couple months later, my dad and I moved to an other city, well to a trailer-park in a forest nearby that city, where I went to school. I became a goth and just had a few friends (2 or 3). In the summer when I was 15 (2004) I smoked weed for the first time, and I liked it. My dad was that summer almost every day gone, my friends were on a holiday so I was basically alone in our trailer, sometimes without food or money. I started to do stupid things, inviting guy's over for you know what, smoking weed. Until my dad found out and brought me to my mom, for the first time I saw her in about 3 or 4 years. Her husband, she got married with that guy, kicked me and hit me, just because I was texting with my dad. Within 4 day's Child Protection brought me over to a secret house for girls where I could stay for 2 months, after that I needed some place where I could go to... that was a niece of my dad.
Because I was in my final year of school, I was not able to change schools and had to travel 4 hours a day to go to school and go home. I became some kind of Cinderella. And it didn't last long before I left that place. I went to my grandma, started to go working at a supermarket. But because my grandma was ill (and I slept on the floor in the livingroom) I had to find some other place again! I was just 16. Finally I had some luck and I went to some place for teenagers with these kind of problems, where you learn how to take care of yourself, and how to spend money etc. I stayed there almost a year, I was able to go to collage and I had fun! Great friends, a job outside of school, grandma nearby. But then, they told me they couldn't teach me anymore since I had learned everything and I had to find my own place (I was 17 in the year 2006). I found a room in a student flat on the first floor. It all went backwards then...
I quit school, because there was no money for it. I worked 6days a week 12 hours per day in a supermarket. There was a pub on the basement of the student flat where i went every night after work. I started drinking, smoking hasj I even did magic mushrooms and i cut myself... I created the habit by breaking a glass when I was feeling mad, and use the broken glass to cut myself. Eventually I took broken glass with me to the pub and cut myself under the table where no one could see it. I was in a very dark place and did not know how to get out.
I did had a boyfriend when I just turned 18, he lived on the 14th floor and was a drug addict himself, but not the violent type but the sweet type who was in a dark place himself (he found out that he was bisexual during the time we had a relationship). One night I don't know how I got there because everything was blank, I found myself at the window ready to jump (I was at my boyfriends on the 14th floor) at the moment I was going to jump, he grabbed me from behind and pulled me back. That moment opened my eyes and i thought, what am I doing?
This man saved my life, I will always be thankful for. It took me a while to recover, I think I was just fully recovered when I went to Belgium in July 2010. One of the reasons that I left the Netherlands was because I wanted to leave the country of problems, that and with the help of my loving boyfriend has helped me recover fully and i enjoy life so much now! Especially now I have a sweet little boy to take care of!
As you can see AGJM, it can all work out well. Learn from yourself when you're climbing up that large hill. You will find the strength to go on, you will find pieces of yourself you did not aware of but makes you so strong! There is light in the tunnel, even if you don't see it yourself! And of course, it is a long climb, and you might fall down a couple times, but when you reach the top, by learning and trying to see the positive things in life, you will never fall down again and be the happiest man of the world! If you need someone to talk to, I am here, as for all other who need to talk with someone