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k.digennaro

-Lets hear your favorite sayings-

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This is mine, as in, I said it first. :lol:

"You can't be right all of the time.

Besides, it's fun to be a little to the left!"

lmao, my favorite one of all times is probally,

two wrongs might not make a right, but three rights make a left lol :lol: (i cant tell you how much trouble i used to get in at school for telling teachers that lol)

If a pig loses his voice, does he become disgruntled?

lol, i guess it does

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Mark Twain

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Gore Vidal

Never have children, only grandchildren.

Elayne Boosler

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

Lily Tomlin

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

Bertrand Russell

Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do.

William Shakespeare

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Lisa Hoffman

Love is like pi: natural, irrational, and very important.

Quentin Crisp

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Mary Schmich

Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.

Jonathan Winters

I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.

Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt... and children.

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Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

-- Mark Twain

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.

-- Mike Wilmot

When the girlfriend and I get in an argument, I begin to believe in flying saucers...and plates, pots, mugs...

-- Robert Paul

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

-- Emo Philips

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

-- Eric Morecambe

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

-- Spike Milligan

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

-- W.C. Fields

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

-- Tommy Cooper

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

-- Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

-- Tommy Cooper

The Grand Old Duke of York

He had ten thousand men.

His case comes up next week.

-- Spike Milligan

The fastest way to meet new people is to pick up somebody else's change at a cocktail bar.

-- Sam Ewing (Mar 1999, The Sun)

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

-- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

-- Steven Wright

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.

-- Scott Roeben

Roger Ebert has had his right thumb trademarked. Now the police will actually have to pay him if he ever has to give a thumbprint.

-- Andy Waits

I made a killing in the stock market. My broker lost all my money, so I killed him.

-- Jim Loy

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

-- Dennis Miller

Last christmas my sister, Geri, gave me a lovely Cloth calendar. It only took me 5 hours to sew in a Doctor's appointment...

-- Robert Paul

edit:sorry double post

edit:sorry about the one with the profanity, i didnt realize i put it on, i took it off right after i put it up so hopefully no one saw it :P (although it was funny lol)

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Wow k.digennaro you've got to have posted the most sayings out of anyone. One of my favorites that you've put up so far:

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Here's one I just read -

It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

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haha nice, yeah im always looking out for, and coming up with quotes, me and my buddies have a 100 square foot wall thats just filled with them lol

A lady is a woman who makes a man behave like a gentleman

- Russell Lynes

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

- Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist (1891)

Cooking Terms.....

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the food is removed, but when it is put in the oven.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Douglas Adams: Inspirational Funny Quotes

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

John Capozzi: Inspirational Funny Quotes

A free lunch is only found in mousetraps.

Lord Samuel: Inspirational Funny Quotes

A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.

Robert Frost: Inspirational Funny Quotes

A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body; the wishbone.

Conan O'Brien: Inspirational Funny Quotes

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just have one thing to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

Herbert Hoover: Inspirational Funny Quotes

About the time we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

J. R. R. Tolkien: Inspirational Funny Quotes

All who wander are not lost.

Dave Barry: Inspirational Funny Quotes

Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Mark Twain: Inspirational Funny Quotes

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Unknown Author: Inspirational Funny Quotes

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back.

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I live in a big tourist city, so this one works for me:

"They call it tourist season, so why can't we shoot 'em?"

...

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

...

"Hard work pays off later, but laziness pays off now."

...

source unknown for these

----

"It's only a flesh wound."

- the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

[can be used for any injury to make it funny]

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you may think your smart because your funny but really my goldfish is smarter than you and i dont have a goldfish

let the cold embrace you..(i say this a lot cos my friends are always like omg its really cold)

emo wannabe...(i say this a lot aswell loadsof people call me emo so i just call them wannabes :D )

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Watch out, I may run over the post limit...

Michael Caine can out-act any, or almost any telephone kiosk you care to mention.

- Hugh Leonard

They couldn't direct lemmings off a cliff.

- Doug Brod

He looks like a half-melted rubber bulldog.

- John Simon (of Walter Matthau)

The Henry Fondas lay on the evening like a damp Mackintosh

-Noël Coward

She was like a sinking ship, firing on the rescuers.

- Alexander Woollcott (of Mrs Patrick Campbell)

His features resemble a fossilized washbag

- Alan Brien (of Steve McQueen)

They shot too many pictures and not enough actors.

- Walter Winchell

The best time I ever had with Joan (Crawford) was when I pushed her down the stairs in 'Whatever Happened to Baby Jane'

- Bette Davis

This film wasn't released - it escaped.

- James Caan

Cher looked like a bag of tattooed bones in a sequined slingshot

- Worst Dressed List

SO TRUE!

Television: an electric device which, when turned off, stimulates conversation.

- Anonymous

It was one of those plays in which all the actors unfortunately enunciated very clearly.

- Robert Benchley

The scenery was beautiful but the actors got in front of it.

- Alexander Woollcott

No self-respecting fish would be wrapped in a Murdoch newspaper.

- Mike Royko

Every good journalist has a novel in him - which is the best place for it.

- Russell Lynes

This book fills a much needed gap.

- Moses Hadan

Very nice, though there are dull stretches.

- Antoine de Rivarol (of a two-line poem)

Henry James was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.

- William Faulkner

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.

- Fred Allen

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

- Igor Stravinsky

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

- Thomas Beecham

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

- Orson Welles (of Donny Osmond)

SO TRUE!

A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

- Al Capp (of abstract art)

TRUST A POLITICIAN!

Greater love hath no man that this, that he lays down his friends for his life.

- Jeremy Thorpe of Harold McMillan (when he sacked a third of his cabinet)

Insults from an unknown movie:

'You know the two things I don't like about you?'

'What?'

'Your face.'

'Lift your chin, both of them.'

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