Who Smelt The Iron? A List of Dumb Comments

[georgiabrat1978]

Kids' Fake Excuses for School Absence

"Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very looose vowels."

"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It's his father's fault."

"Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday."

Doctors' Medical Reports

"Patient was tearful and crying constantly. She also appears depressed" (sounds like something my doctor would write in his reports.)

"Patient has left his white blood-cells at another hospital."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"Discharge Status: Alive but without permission."

Comments from visitors to U.S. National Parks

"We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

"Where does Bigfoot live?"

[b}Student Schoolwork[/b]

"The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."

"A Cencus taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population."

"Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."

"Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."

"The four seasons are: salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar."

Questions for Canadian Forest Rangers

'"Where does Alberta end and Canada begin!"

"Can you help me! My husband's driving me crazy and he won't shut up."

"Do you have a glacier at this visitor centre?"

"Is this a map I'm looking at?"

"Don't all Canadians wear raccoon hats? Where can I buy one!"

[verac the defiled]

My friend got out of PE once for having a note saying:

Sorry for Any Inconveniance, but ***** cannot do PE today as he has a bad thumb, it's alright if its football though.

Signed *****

-Verac

[usedHONDA]

Why would a parent give a name like that to a kid? That's just awful!

[sagedavis]

Hey, I love the dumb comments that Bill Engval came up with.

You gonna eat that? (here's your sign).

People do that to me all the time, when I have a truck load of camping gear, they say "so, you going camping?"..

Nope, I just keep it all back there in case I get lost in the woods.

[Helio]

Some good church bulletin mistakes:

'Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.'

'Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.'

'Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.'

'The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.'

'At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our

choir practice.'

'Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.'

'The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.'

'Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.'

[cjmcguinness]

These are 'reportedly' real explanations for accidents as reported by the claimants on insurance forms.

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early."

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were...

Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn.

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."[/b]

[usedHONDA]

@Helio: I'll add to that church list:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZSSBe8JzEU

[Namiyoshi]

heres a note that my friend gave to my teacher:

"amandas father really did throw out her blue parent teacher communication folder why i do not know, but i will punish him tonight."

(my teacher is realy strict, and that week becuase of that note, we did not get any homework!!!!