Good, Clean Jokes

[Extra]

If you know a good joke and want to share, put it here!

I'll start.

Q: What happens when an 800 pound gorilla sits on usedHONDA?

A: newHONDA

[usedHONDA]

That reminds me of my first avatar.

http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/honda/honda_four.jpg

[natjo1986]

Q: What kind of comedy does Moby Dick do?

A: Fish Schtick

[BoltBait]

Good, Clean, Jokes

Pick any two.

[The_Lionhearted]

Good, Clean, Jokes

Pick any two.

[Extra]

Here's an interesting one.

"As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives;

Each wife had seven sacks,

each sack had seven cats,

each cat had seven kits,

kits, cats, sacks, and wives,

how many are going to St. Ives?"

The answer may be obvious to some; I will post the answer tomorrow.

[usedHONDA]

Can I post the answer?

This was emailed to me:

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven.

St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can

answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November

when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde

the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when

we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth

of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust,

tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the

third blonde.

He asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the

eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish

celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at

the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to

the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be

crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of

thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands.

He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large

boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside

so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there

will be six more weeks of winter."

EDIT: Can I post a political one? It's funny no matter what side your on (pretty much).

[Rainshadow]

A guy walks in a bar. He orders three beers from the bartender. All three at once. The bartender asks why he does this, and he replies:

Well, two of my friends moved away to Holland and Japan. It was tradition to go to a bar every Friday night. When they moved away, we said that every Friday night we would go to a bar and order three drinks for each other.

The bartender nods. Every Friday for a few months he came in and ordered three beers. One day, he ordered two. Now everyone in the bar and the bartender thought that one of his friends had died. So the bartender asks:

"What happend to your friend?"

"Nothing." The man replies. "I just quit drinking."

EDIT:There was once a little boy talking to his dad about heaven. They got on the subject of God. The little boy asked his dad,

" Daddy, is God black or white?"

The father thought for a moment and said,

" Both honey."

A little while later the boy asked,

" Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

The dad said, " Both."

A little while later, the boy came back and said,

" Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

[Extra]

My joke posted above:

Read carefully; "As I was going to St. Ives..."

Only one person is going to St. Ives.

A man and woman were recently married and moved into a house.

Many years later, the man is happily mowing the lawn in front of his house.

A friend of his comes to him.

"Friend, why are you so happy?"

"Well, sir, you remember that I got married years ago?"

"Yes, I do."

"Well my wife was very mean to me."

"Well, that's too bad."

"Yeah, well, she was rich."

"Well that's good."

"Not too good; she was really stingy."

"Well, that's too bad."

"Not too bad; she helped some with the bills."

"Well that's good."

"Not too good, she was very ugly."

"Well, that's too bad."

Not too bad; she bought me the house."

"Well that's good."

"Not too good; the house burned down."

"Well that's too bad."

"Not too bad; she was in it!"

[Myrddin]

This is apparently an old one...

Why did three squirrels fall out of a tree?

The first one had died...

...the second one was holding hands with the first...

...and the third thought it was a game so joined in.

Simple but cracked me up the first time I heard it.

[verac the defiled]

I Can't Believe I Fell for The St.Ives One...=]

[georgiabrat1978]

What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?

Wheeeeee

I know cornier ones.

[FireFly]

Mines cornier but it's actually funny-corny not stupid-corny.

Here goes...

When is a bus not a bus?

When it turns into a street!!!

[Extra]

I like them both.

If you want corny...

Q: What do you call a man who thinks he can fly?

A: Plane crazy!

[Rainshadow]

No offence to all the blonds here...

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "Why? Don’t you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

Prison Vs School

In prison: you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

In school: you spend most of your time at a desk that sticks to your butt.

In prison: you get three meals a day.

In school: you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison: you get time off for good behavior.

In school: you get rewarded for good behavior by being called the teacher's pet.

In prison: a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In school: you get locked out of your classroom from the inside.

In prison: you can watch TV and play games.

In school: you get detention for playing games.

In prison: you get your own toilet.

In school: you have to share and wait your turn in line.

In prison: they allow your family and friends to visit.

In school: you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison: you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

In school: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Happy Birthday!

Sundays --> 52 days Sundays in a year, which are rest days.

Balance = 365 days - 52 days = 313 days.

Summer holidays --> 50 days where weather is very hot and difficult to study.

Balance = 313 days - 50 days = 263 days.

Daily sleep --> 8 hours daily sleep means 122 days.

Balance = 263 days - 122 days = 141 days.

Daily playing --> 1 hour for daily playing (good for health) means 15 days.

Balance = 141 days - 15 days = 126 days.

Food & other delicacies --> 2 hours daily, 1 for food & other delicacies (chew properly & eat) means 30 days.

Balance = 126 days - 30 days = 96 days.

Talking --> 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal) means 15 days.

Balance = 96 days - 15 days = 81 days.

Exams --> Exam days per year at least 35 days.

Balance = 81 days - 35 days = 46 days.

Holidays --> Quarterly, Half yearly and festival holidays means 40 days.

Balance = 46 days - 40 days = 6 days.

Sick --> For sickness at least 3 days.

Balance = 6 days - 3 days = 3 days.

Social --> Movies and functions at least 2 days.

Balance = 3 days - 2 days = 1 day.

That 1 day is your Birthday!!