The Comedy Thread

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Blondes Talking about Geography

Two blondes were talking about geography. One of them said it is possible to see England from Canada.
The other blonde looking rather confused said, ” I don’t think so”
The first blonde said, “See how close they are on the map.”


Glaciers Brought Rocks

A blonde on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, “Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?”
“The glaciers brought them down,” said the guide.
“But where are the glaciers?”
“The glaciers,” said the guide in a frustrated tone, “have gone back for more rocks.”


Blonde Trying New Dress

Blonde 1: That dress is too tight for you. It’s skintight!
Blonde 2: It’s tighter than my skin.
Blonde 1: How could anything be tighter than your skin?
Blonde 2: I can sit down in my skin, but I can’t in this dress.


Home Improvement

A Blonde goes to the bank and applies for a loan.
“I want a loan, I’m going to divorce my husband.”
“Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces” the manager says, “We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses, home improvements….”
Blonde interrupts and says, “Well, this is certainly a ‘Home Improvement.’ 


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The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.


My thesaurus arrived yesterday, but when I opened it, due to a printing error, it was blank inside. I have no words to describe how angry I am.


Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.


I don't like trees, they're kinda shady.


I tried to work in an orange juice factory but I couldn't concentrate.


This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder...


Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that crashed into the same island? All the sailors were marooned.

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Blonde Uses Her Mind

Two blonde sisters were lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog barking.

It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, one blonde jumps out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and goes downstairs.
Finally she comes back up to bed and says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?”
Blonde says, “I’ve put their dog in our yard – now we’ll see how they like it!”


Hair Restorer

Blonde Samantha’s hair kept falling out and she complained to the barber “That stuff you gave me is terrible!

You said two bottles of it would make me hair grow, but nothing’s happened.”
“I do not understand it,” said the barber. “That is the best hair restorer made.”
“Well,” said Samantha, “I do not mind drinking another bottle, but it better work!”


Parked Somewhere Else

A blonde was filling out an accident report. She had dented a parked car while trying to park her own.
One question on the report was, “What could the operator of the other vehicle have done to avoid the accident?”
She wrote, “He could have parked it somewhere else.”


Road Line Painter

A blonde got a job as a road line-painter.

She paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
“You get worse and worse every day!” yelled his boss.
“That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day.” said blonde with a cute smile.

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Blonde’s Thanksgiving

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family.

Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.

The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.
“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.
“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”

Blood Test

Doctor: Mrs. Samantha, you look exhausted.
Samantha (A blonde) : I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and

told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.


Same Color

One day blonde Samantha asks her friend Rosy, “So Rosy what did you get for Christmas?”
Rosy, “Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”
Samantha says, “OOOOH WOW!!! I got the same exact color tie!”



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Blonde in Factory

A foreman of a factory was making his rounds inspecting how all of the workers were doing their jobs.

“Well” he said to one blond worker, “I see you are doing a very diligent job stamping all of the boxes ‘THIS SIDE UP’.

“Yes” the worker replied, eager to please, “and just to be extra sure I stamped the bottom also!”


Blonde and the mailbox

An old man was out watering his garden when his blonde neighbor came out.

She walked to her mailbow, opened it, closed it and walked back inside.

A couple minutes later she came out again opened her mailbox and closed it.

She did this a couple of times and each time she seemed to get angrier.

Finally the old man watched as she walked to the mailbow looked in it and slammed it shut.

The old man asked “Why do you keep checking your mailbox?” the blonde looked at him and replied “My computer keeps saying I got mail!”

Blondes Thermos

A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her co-workers has a thermos.

She asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, ”It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold”
The blonde was amazed and when she got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day she goes to work and is proud that she has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes she has a thermos and says, ”What do you have in it?” she says, ”Soup, and ice cream!’

Confused Blonde

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began, “It was the strangest thing! I Looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right.

Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another …”
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said,

“Mam … I don’t know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener.”

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You may not quite sea it, but I'm not posting this on porpoise. I'm just fishing for reps and laughs because I'm diving into hooking you in :P So, water you thinking of it? Took the bait already? :)



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A blonde calls her boyfriend at 5 in the afternoon.

“I need help with this KILLER tiger puzzle, I’ve been working on it since this morning!”

So the boyfriend goes to her house, looks at the puzzle pieces on the table, then the box, and sighed.

Okay….First, no matter what we do to this it isn’t going to look ANYTHING like a tiger.

Second, relax, de-stress….and third…..” The boyfriend now puts his head in his hand and sighs. “…help me clean up the damn frosted flakes.”


Blonde Swimming Joke

There were a brunette, a black haired girl, a ranger and a blonde on a island.

They were 200km away from safety. They all decided they will swim to safety.
The ranger swam 5km and drowned, the black haired swam 20km and drowned,

the brunette swam 50km and drowned. but when the blonde had her turn she swam 100km and said…
“i m tired!” so she swam all the way back to the island..


Blonde at the doctors

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says to him “Doctor I’m hurting all over my body.”
“That’s odd” replied the doctor “Show me what you mean”
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain.

She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says to her “Your not a natural brunette are you?”
“No I’m a blonde” she replies.
“I thought so…. your finger is broken.” replies the doctor.

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Lame Question


A man was disturbing a nurse by asking lame questions every now and then, he asked,

“How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Nurse: “Cut your head off.”


Beautiful Nurse


“What do you do?” a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. “I’m a nurse.”
“I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me,” he whispered in her ear.
“That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward.”


Another Doctor


The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick old man and said,
“I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”.
“Yes,” replied the old man faintly, “Another doctor”.

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Hard To Find


Two friends Monty and Jonty were sitting in a park and drinking beer.
Monty said “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over 6 months.”
Jonty sips his beer and says, “You better think it over – women like that are hard to find.”


Money Wasted


A man walks into a bar and asks the Bartenders , ‘Was I in here last night?’
‘You certainly were,’ replies the Bartenders .
‘And did I spend a lot of money?’
‘You spent over £100’, replies the Bartenders .
‘Thank god for that,’ says the man, ‘I thought I’d wasted it.’


Spit in Beer


A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer.

Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note “I spit in this beer” hoping that no one will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying “Me too!”


Hunting A Bird


Two drunk men were out bird-hunting.
Suddenly, one of them said,”Hey! I see two birds!”
“Well, shoot then,”said the other man.
“But which one do I shoot?”
“Hmm…take another drink,”the other man said, handing him the bottle.
“Hey! Now I see three!”exclaimed the man.
“Good. Shoot the one in the middle.”

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Wedding Anniversary


An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the

old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
‘Let’s have a party, Homer,’ she suggested. ‘Let’s kill a pig.’
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. ‘Geeee,’ he finally answered,

‘I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.’

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Strawberry Farms


A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?”
“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.
“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.
“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Apple v/s Orange Joke


An agriculture student said to a farmer: “Your methods are too old fashioned.

I won’t be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples.”
“I won’t be surprised either,” said the farmer, “this is an orange tree”.





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A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people deceived! Fifty people deceived!”
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.

Finding nothing, the man said, “There’s nothing in here about fifty people being deceived.”
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people deceived!”


Warning To Fire Fighter


A man calls the fire department and says, “Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped,

I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden.”
“Very nice,” the firefighter says, “but what does that have to do with the fire service?”
“Well,” the man answers, “the house next door is on fire and I don’t want you to trample my front yard.”


Jumbo Jet Sandwich

A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes.
“I’ll have a ‘jumbo jet,'” he said.
When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway.
He called his waiter over. “Was that the ‘jumbo jet?'” he asked.


Check Weight


An irate woman burst into the baker’s shop and said, “I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound.

I suggest you check your scales.” The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, “Ma’am, I suggest you weigh your son.”

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— What country has the fastest growing population?

— Ireland. It's Dublin every year!

— Oh, that's nothing in comparison with Libya's population. It's Tripoli-ing every year!



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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana ;)

(this one may be a little hard to pick for those who don't speak English very well, so feel free to ask if you don't understand :))

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Good To Eat?


Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.


So Dark

Mom: Johnny, there were two chocolate cakes yesterday, and now there’s only one. Why?
Johnny: I don’t know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other one.

Ten Years Ago


An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

“Here is your Oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses.

If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago

if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”


Which End?


At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.

When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked:

‘Is this pig?’ Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: ‘Which end of the fork are you referring to?’

Cherry on the Top


A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with lashings of

raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts. ‘Would you like a cherry on the top ?’ asked the waitress. ‘No, thanks,’ said the girl, ‘I’m on a diet !’


Girl or Salad


First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries – that’s my girl.
Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.


Stealing Bus


Because they’ve spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.
Dave has a drunken idea. “Let’s steal a bus!”
He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge.
Dave sticks his head round the door. “What on earth are you doing?”
“I can’t find a number seven anywhere,” says a distressed Eric.
“You idiot,” shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. “Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way.”

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Blonde As Policewomen

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions…. Officer: What’s 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm… 4!

Officer: What’s the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm… 10! Officer: Good!

Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”

Don’t Argue

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
“I was only going 40!” the driver protested.
“Not according to my radar,” the officer replied.
“Yes, I was!” the man shouted back.
“No you weren’t!” the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said,
“Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.”

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