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... all jokes about my wife are tongue in cheek.  She bests me every time.  In each and every way

 

7 hours after the event I'm still scratching my head how I went from wallpapering behind the cooker ... to agreeing to a new dining set, a new cooker hood and handles for the cupboards.

 

Jedi mind tricks ... 

 

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8 hours ago, welshblue said:

 

Jedi mind tricks ... 

 

 

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Be Quiet

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
„But officer,“ the man began, „I can explain…“
„Just be quiet,“ snapped the officer. „I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.“
„But, officer, I just wanted to say…,“
„And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!“
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, „Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding.

He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.“
„Don’t count on it,“ answered the fellow in the cell. „I’m the groom.“

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Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

 

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Here is my second favorite paradox:

 

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie Up, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up.

However, in doing so, he lets you down.  Thus creating the Astley Paradox.

 

So, what could possibly be better than that?  I'm glad you asked.  Herein is my favorite paradox:

 

Suppose you marry a widow who already has a grown up daughter.  Your father meets the daughter at your wedding and they get married.

 

Now, the widow's daughter becomes your mother as she's married to your father.

Since your mother's mother is your wife, your wife is also your grandmother.

As the husband of your grandmother, you become your own grandpa!

 

 

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Click to play:
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Download: BoltBait's Plugin Pack | CodeLab | and how about a Computer Dominos Game

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One day a blonde goes into an electronics store and says, "I'd like to buy that TV there."

The salesman replies, "Sorry, but we don't sell to blondes anymore. It's been nothing but trouble lately!"

But since the blonde really wants the set, she comes back the next day with dyed hair.

"I'd like that TV there."

He says, "We don't sell to blondes."

She's surprised. "How did you know I was a blonde?"

He says, "That's not a TV, that's a microwave oven."
 

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Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

 

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Hole in the Garden


Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, „What are you up to there, Mary?“

„My goldfish died,“ replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, „and I’ve just buried him.“
The neighbor was concerned, „That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?“
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, „That’s because he’s inside your cat.“
 

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Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

 

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Why is there barbed wire in a blonde's bathtub? 
So she won't swim so far out!
---------------------------------
How did the blonde die drinking milk? 
The cow fell on her.
----------------------------------
How can you drive a blonde woman crazy? 
You send her into a round room and tell her 
"There's a grand in the corner."
 

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Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

 

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13 hours ago, BoltBait said:

You'll never guess who I bumped into when I was out getting my glasses fixed!

 

That's so bad it's hilarious 😀

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.

They're trained for that!

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... Blue 'Til I Die ...

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What does a blonde say when you ask her the difference between a white and a brown cow? 
The brown one gives cocoa...
-------------------------------------------
Why does a blonde put her computer on the floor? 
- So it can't crash.
---------------------------------------------
How can you tell that a FAX was sent by a blonde? 
By the stamp.
-----------------------------------------------------
 

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

 

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