MikeRobe

The Comedy Thread

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Co-worker told me today that he got a part time job working for Samsung's store.

 

He proudly said, "I guess you can say that I am the Guardian of the Galaxy."

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On 7/8/2019 at 3:32 PM, TrevorOutlaw said:

Co-worker told me today that he got a part time job working for Samsung's store.

 

He proudly said, "I guess you can say that I am the Guardian of the Galaxy."

 

May I please slap your coworker?

 

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8 hours ago, welshblue said:

84710714.jpg

 

In other news, Willie still has not found his bike. However, it's easy to find his tour bus: just look for the one with smoke pouring out the windows.

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Took my wife to the Doctor yesterday to see about her Tourettes.

 

She doesn't have it. Apparently I am an D***head and she does want me to F off.

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What did Michael Jackson and a grocery bag have in common ?

They're both made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with

 

Say what you want about paedophiles but fair play, at least they drive slowly through school zones

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This should give you some idea of what having robot overlords will be like:

 

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@BoltBait  ... some would say there's only a colour difference between water and Heineken 😉

 

funny-men-women-jokes.jpg

Edited by welshblue

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some would say there's only a colour difference between water and Heineken 

 

1. You leave home and drive 2 hours at 2 am to Houston to catch a plane - no beer 

2. You fly to NY and find out you have to change airports - no beer

3. You take a bus - no beer

4. You fly to Toronto - no beer

5. You fly to some small place in Novo Scotia and buy a Scottish T Shirt - Which you can not wear anywhere as it says "If I was wearing underpants it would be a dress it is a kilt" - Canadian Beer 

6. Your father dies in Australia so you arrange to fly to Australia -- 

7. Fly to Toronto - no beer

8. Fly to Rome - no beer under 15 dollars a can - El Cheapo airlines 

9 Arrive late need hotel 

10. Taxi driver says fixed fee in Rome -- agree to pay 50 Euros - he drives you to Hotel 1 block from airport - no beer at Hotel - but the lady wanted to know if I wanted an hour or a night

11. Walk to airport

12. Catch plane to Qatar - coke

13. Catch plane to Sydney - sleep

14. Get off in Sydney and no one at airport - no beer

15 Wait two hours - decide to take train home

16. Trains cancelled to Newcastle - put on bus with 15 small kids who are all sick and coughing -- is nose dribble that is yellow bad or is the green worse - no drinks

17. Ring daughter tell her if she not pick you up you will say terrible things to her boyfriend about the pictures - no pictures but it always works 

18. 4 hours later after trip through boonies land in Newcastle  - no beer

19. Spend week with daughter whilst step mother flies from Italy -- her first holiday in 20 years and dad dies -- bastard always got the last word - Australian beer

20. Fly to Italy for work through Turkey - 20 USD for visa at Turkish border - no beer - for first time ever security checks accelerometer - explain a box with single light and 2 ports in Turkey to TSA guys -- no beer

21. Fly to Rome - no beer

22. Get train to Bologna - no beer

23. Walk to accommodation - no beer, coke water and the elevator is broken - 3 computers and 4 accelerometers has mass of about 15 kg on back. - Hint do not let airport weigh backpack

24. Walk to favourite restaurant in whole world on main Piazza - sit down ask for Sicilian beer - numero uno

25. Waiter tells you made by Heineken -- you laugh and drink beer and sit next to American tourist who says the beer is good not like that Heineken stuff 

26. You make his day - tell tourist you know beer made by Mafia in secret plant -- why do people believe you if you tell story with straight face

 

All of the above is true. 

 

 

 

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Dai was watching Wales versus England in Cardiff.

In the packed stadium there was only one empty seat, right next to him.

“Whose is that seat?” asked a man in the row behind.

“I got the ticket for my wife,” said Dai. “But she died in an accident.”

“So you’re keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect?”

“No,” said the fan, “I offered it to all of my friends.”

“So why didn’t they take it?”

 

“They’ve all gone to the funeral.”

 

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True Story:

 

Friend's mother died.  Her husband had called her wif her whole life.  Two guys at the funeral heard the mother's real name and said out loud, where is WIF. 

 

 

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12 hours ago, macneacail said:

True Story:

 

Yep there can be humour in death.

 

Like the time my Mum was in intensive care and a nurse was asking questions ... "Is she mobile ? " was one, to which my brother replied " She's got one but I don't know the number "  - 9 people peeing their pants with laughter was not a good tone, so we had to leave.

 

Sadly she died that night and I had to go back to the hospital the next day for the paperwork ... and found myself in the wrong toilets ... "Please don't scream" was the only thing I could say to the nurse when she saw me standing behind her after I came out of a cubicle. 

I still don't think she had to point me out to everyone she saw and laugh.  Felt a right deviant

 

I don't want hymns at my funeral - Stephen Lynch songs will do nicely ... I bet there will be more people laughing than crying anyways when I go, so may as well join in 😁

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