MikeRobe

The Comedy Thread

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In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair.

The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said,

“I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound,

the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”
“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

=======================================================================

 

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! 
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops. 
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."


 

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Three men go to Heaven and St Peter stops them at the gate.

"Gentlemen there's a new system - you get a car depending on how good you've been on Earth"

 

"Jack you strayed eight times ... you get a Fiat 500"
"Will you strayed four times ... you get a BMW 1 Series"
"John you were faithful for 50 years so you get a Supercar of your choice"

 

The men jump in their respective rewards and drive away.
John flies down heaven High Street and leaves Jack and Will behind.

 

Two miles down the road they find him on the side of the road crying and hitting the steering wheel

 

"What's wrong man - look at your car compared to mine", says Jack

John looks up and says, " I just passed my wife coming the other way"

"What Supercar did she have ?" , asks Will

John sobs loudly and says, " She was riding a pushbike ..."

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Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

 

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it

 

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

 

eBay is useless.  I tried to look up lighters and they gave me 12568 matches

 

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger.  Then it hit me

 

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket … you can hide but you can’t run.

 

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
 

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