The Comedy Thread

[Pixey 3,338]

[racerx 269]

With age comes hard earned knowledge, wisdom and security.......

However I'd trade it all for being young, dumb and full or c#m again......

[Seerose 3,650]

A: Why are you crying? 

B: The elephant is dead. 

A: Was he your pet? 

B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave. 

 

 

A teacher asked a student to write 55. 

Student asked: How? 

Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! 

The student wrote 5 and stopped. 

teacher: What are you waiting for? 

student: I don't know which side to write the other 5! 

 

 

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you. 

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself. 

Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

Man: I want to share everything with you. 

Woman: Let's start from your bank account. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Seerose 3,650]

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful? 

God said to man --- So that you will love them. 

Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb? 

God said to man --- So that they will love you. 

 

===============================================

 

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". 

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[VivekRaman 1]

Are you feeling cold? Go to the corner. It's 90 degrees.

 

Q: What did one ocean say to the other?

A: Nothing; they just waved. 

 

[Seerose 3,650]

 

 

 VivekRaman! 

[VivekRaman 1]

 VivekRaman! 

 

:*

[Drydareelin 204]

My girlfriend just told me I ruined her birthday.

I don't know how that's even possible! I didn't even know it was her birthday.

[Pixey 3,338]

My girlfriend just told me I ruined her birthday.

I don't know how that's even possible! I didn't even know it was her birthday.

 

 

  

[Seerose 3,650]

My girlfriend just told me I ruined her birthday.

I don't know how that's even possible! I didn't even know it was her birthday.

 

  

[Seerose 3,650]

'Doctor, my family think I'm mad.'

'Why?'

'Because I like sausages.'

'Nonsense, I like sausages too.'

'You do? You must come round and see my collection. I have hundreds.'

[Seerose 3,650]

Man in a Restaurant: 'Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!'

Waiter: 'Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.'

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

'Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup!'

'Don't worry, sir, the spider in the salad will get it.'

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DINER:'This restaurant must have a very clean kitchen.'

OWNER:'Thank you sir, but how did you know?'

DINER:'Everything tastes of soap.'

[Red ochre 1,434]

Not sure if this belongs here or the music thread, but here goes.

 

[teh501stSnoipeh 2]

Kindergarden:

 

Kid: Teacher, can I use the bathroom?

Teacher: If you can sing your ABCs

Kid: Okay. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ

Teacher: You forgot the P, where is it?

Kid: It's running down my leg.

[Drydareelin 204]

My colleague told me that my jokes were awful and I should jump off a bridge today.

Why would I do that?

 

When I could just get over it.

[Pixey 3,338]

 

[ScrapbookWithPDN 115]

There is a new band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

lol!

[Seerose 3,650]

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. 

 

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas,

she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. 

 

Back at Mother Superior's bedside she again held the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. 

 

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you pass on to a better place." 

 

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said "Don't sell that cow."  

[Seerose 3,650]

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. 

 

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. 

 

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: 

 

Dear God, 

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00. 

[Seerose 3,650]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. 

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' 

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' 

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' 

 

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. 

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' 

[BoltBait 2,276]

I was in a bar Saturday night and had a few drinks. I noticed 2 large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I said, "Are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them screamed, "It's Wales, you idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?" That's all I remember...

[Pixey 3,338]

Hello, your test for the day

 

There are 4 questions. Don’t miss any and no cheating.

 

1.  How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

Stop  and think about it and decide on your answer before look at the answer.

 

The  correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

 

2  How do you put an elephant into a  refrigerator?

 

 
 

Did  you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the  elephant, and close the  refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

 

Correct Answer: Open  the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
 
This question tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

 

3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.

 

 

All the animals attend... except one.   Which animal does not attend?

 

 

Correct  Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the  refrigerator.

You just put him in there.
 
This question tests your memory.

 

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to  show your true abilities.

 

4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles,

 and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

 

 

Correct  Answer? You jump into the river and swim across.

Have you not been listening?

All the  crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. 

This question tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Eli 1,019]

Hello, your test for the day

 

There are 4 questions. Don’t miss any and no cheating.

 

Pixey, That is funny! I got the first one but failed on the other three. 

[cornemuse 37]

A photon checks into a hotel.

The clerk asks if he needs help with his luggage.

The photon replies, " I don't have any, I'm traveling light."

 

-c-

[Drydareelin 204]

Not only is my thesaurus terrible, but it's also terrible.