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What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire? 
Lots of blood tests.
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Why do you take baths in milk?
I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower. 
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What goes up and down but never moves? 
The stairs!
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Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?
Because they're bitter.

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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.

A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesday, I go Friday.

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Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

 

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My wife came home yesterday and said,

"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

 

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said,

"You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."

 

"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.

 

"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

 

"In the lake."

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