MikeRobe

The Comedy Thread

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i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle of vodka and put it in the basket on the front. Then it occoured to me that if i fell or something happened then the bottle might break. so I drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home. 

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A duck walks into a bar and asks: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we haven't got any bread!”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “Are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread and if you ask me again, I'll nail your dang beak to the bar, you irritating dang duck!!!”
Duck says: “Got any nails?”
Barman says: “No!”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”

 

animated-duck-image-0092.gif

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Womens

 

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.

The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.

 

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men

Two fellows are walking in the street following two women. The first one says, "You see these two women? The one on the left is my wife, the one on the right is my lover."
The second says "it's funny, for me it's the opposite".

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An experiment revealed that the average teenager can go 3 weeks without food, 3 days without water but only 3 hours without WiFi

 

The great thing about the NHS is the cradle to grave free health care ... The Conservatives  want to shorten the waiting time in between

 

 

 

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Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and discovered he had seriously misunderstood the objective. 

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OK if you are going to limit my "likes" I'll, I'll just  show you......foottap.gif.3c7630e7c508729c529b8b4bce658149.gif

 

Take This! 

1-

 59bdb3adc6a27_nutrionaloveracheaver.jpg.ddf825995093c63c3540dadea351ebd0.jpg

 

 

2-

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first Football [ American- for our soccer friends]  game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!"

 3-

The Cynical Philosopher...                     

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

 

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.  embarrested.gif.fc93fc2cd2762c233e6ef14fa0d9cfde.gif

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Scooter
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Men in 1845 - " I just shot a buffalo"

 

Men in 1952 - " I just fixed the roof"

 

Men in 2017 - " I just shaved my legs and waxed my eyebrows"

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I dunno.  Not so terrible ... was a groan then a chuckle this end.

 

So much has changed since my wife told me we're having another baby

 

Namely my name, address and appearance

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On ‎9‎/‎19‎/‎2017 at 9:15 AM, welshblue said:

Men in 1845 - " I just shot a buffalo"

 

Men in 1952 - " I just fixed the roof"

 

Men in 2017 - " I just shaved my legs and waxed my eyebrows"

crazzy.gif.0b1ba845745c7f784cf79cf057ffd6de.gif AWWWWWWWWW!  bouncing-no.gif.5331d97487aadb506489f999fca95252.gifsay it isn't so..... 

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At a large wedding party, a ventriloquist with his dummy presents his show.

He lets go of one blonde joke after another.

Is a blonde sometimes up and shouts: What is that? We're not as stupid as they say!

The Bauchredner tries to apologize: Yes, so that was not meant so now synonymous.

I really wanted ... I can also .... If the blonde interrupts him, I will not talk to them, I will talk to the little fellow in her lap!
 

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22 hours ago, Scooter said:

crazzy.gif.0b1ba845745c7f784cf79cf057ffd6de.gif AWWWWWWWWW!  bouncing-no.gif.5331d97487aadb506489f999fca95252.gifsay it isn't so..... 

 

Sadly it's true.  I knew moisturising was the road to ruin :| 

 

When a woman says, " Do what you want ... "  Don't do it.  Don't even blink.  Just play dead.  It's safer

 

My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behaviour ... but there's no way she's getting inside my pillow castle without a password

 

My wife sent me to the doctors to get some pills that get me interested in the bedroom  

Apparently diet pills weren't the ones she meant 

 

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Heard this joke on a mission trip years ago.

 

An elderly couple were celebrating their wedding anniversary.

 

The man, having a romantic thought, said to his wife, "After 50 years, I have found you tried and true."

 

The wife, having hearing loss, said, "What?"

 

The man repeated, "After 50 years, I have found you tried and true."

 

"What?"

 

Irritated, the man said in raised voice, "After 50 years, I have found you tried and true!"

 

"Well, after 50 years, I'm sick and tired of you too!"

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A blonde in a sports car stops at a traffic sign. 
A homeless man taps her windscreen and asks for a cigarette. She gives him one and goes off.
When she stops again at a traffic sign, the homeless again knocks at her windscreen and asks for fire. She gives him a fire and goes off again.
When she stops again at a traffic sign, the homeless again knocks on her windshield.
She asks him, "How do you do that whenever I stop, you'll be standing next to my car?"
The homeless answers: "Give me 10 euros and I'll help you out of the roundabout!"

Edited by Seerose
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