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i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle of vodka and put it in the basket on the front. Then it occoured to me that if i fell or something happened then the bottle might break. so I drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home. 

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A duck walks into a bar and asks: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we haven't got any bread!”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “Are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread and if you ask me again, I'll nail your dang beak to the bar, you irritating dang duck!!!”
Duck says: “Got any nails?”
Barman says: “No!”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”

 

animated-duck-image-0092.gif

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Womens

 

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.

The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.

 

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Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

 

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OK if you are going to limit my "likes" I'll, I'll just  show you......foottap.gif.3c7630e7c508729c529b8b4bce658149.gif

 

Take This! 

1-

 59bdb3adc6a27_nutrionaloveracheaver.jpg.ddf825995093c63c3540dadea351ebd0.jpg

 

 

2-

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first Football [ American- for our soccer friends]  game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!"

 3-

The Cynical Philosopher...                     

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

 

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.  embarrested.gif.fc93fc2cd2762c233e6ef14fa0d9cfde.gif

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Scooter
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       Scooter

  I'm still too young, to be this doggone old

   paint.net: I can learn it, I can...mostly, I think👨‍🦳

 

       

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On ‎9‎/‎19‎/‎2017 at 9:15 AM, welshblue said:

Men in 1845 - " I just shot a buffalo"

 

Men in 1952 - " I just fixed the roof"

 

Men in 2017 - " I just shaved my legs and waxed my eyebrows"

crazzy.gif.0b1ba845745c7f784cf79cf057ffd6de.gif AWWWWWWWWW!  bouncing-no.gif.5331d97487aadb506489f999fca95252.gifsay it isn't so..... 

  • Like 1

       Scooter

  I'm still too young, to be this doggone old

   paint.net: I can learn it, I can...mostly, I think👨‍🦳

 

       

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At a large wedding party, a ventriloquist with his dummy presents his show.

He lets go of one blonde joke after another.

Is a blonde sometimes up and shouts: What is that? We're not as stupid as they say!

The Bauchredner tries to apologize: Yes, so that was not meant so now synonymous.

I really wanted ... I can also .... If the blonde interrupts him, I will not talk to them, I will talk to the little fellow in her lap!
 

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Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

 

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Heard this joke on a mission trip years ago.

 

An elderly couple were celebrating their wedding anniversary.

 

The man, having a romantic thought, said to his wife, "After 50 years, I have found you tried and true."

 

The wife, having hearing loss, said, "What?"

 

The man repeated, "After 50 years, I have found you tried and true."

 

"What?"

 

Irritated, the man said in raised voice, "After 50 years, I have found you tried and true!"

 

"Well, after 50 years, I'm sick and tired of you too!"

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A blonde in a sports car stops at a traffic sign. 
A homeless man taps her windscreen and asks for a cigarette. She gives him one and goes off.
When she stops again at a traffic sign, the homeless again knocks at her windscreen and asks for fire. She gives him a fire and goes off again.
When she stops again at a traffic sign, the homeless again knocks on her windshield.
She asks him, "How do you do that whenever I stop, you'll be standing next to my car?"
The homeless answers: "Give me 10 euros and I'll help you out of the roundabout!"

Edited by Seerose
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Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

 

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Doctor: "Now turn off the Walkman and take off the headphones!"
Blonde: "Do not go, they are necessary!"
The doctor becomes too colorful and the blonde takes off the headphones.

The blonde starts catching a fish like a fish and runs blue.
The physician becomes queasy.

He picks up his headphones and hears "breathe in - breathe out - inhale - exhale"
 

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Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

 

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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

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Download: BoltBait's Plugin Pack | CodeLab | and how about a Computer Dominos Game

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