MikeRobe

The Comedy Thread

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A police officer stops a car.
Officer: “Your driver’s license please.”
Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.”
Officer: “At home?”
Driver: “No, to do it.”

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Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “

Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it?

You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

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A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are.

He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

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Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you've become such a passionate kisser…
What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!
 

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If a burglar ever broke into my house and searched for money. I'd just laugh and search with him.
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want? 
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Me opening the fridge: "Baby you light up my world like nobody else."
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My daughter is really in Halloween spirit. She has been in her pregnant lady dress for months now.

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They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
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Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

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A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

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What is dangerous?
Sneezing while having diarrhea!

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"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"
"So you can all be really sad when I die."

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Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup.

And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!

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Q: Is Google a he or a she?
A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
 

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They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food.

But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.  

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Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. 

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”

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A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?"

Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct."

The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?" 

 

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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia! 
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A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband:

“My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug!

He only leaves the handle!”
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

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I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. 
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” 
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” 
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” 
That’s about as far as I remember.

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Why is women’s soccer so rare?
It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
 

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Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over.

The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" 
The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."
There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"
 

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Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.
The genie grants each of them one wish. 
The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. 
The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. 
The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.
 

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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
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Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.” 
Doctor: “Tell him I can"t see him.”
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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
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Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave.

The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”
 

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Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.” 
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In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”
The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”
 

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They say milk gives strength.
I drank 4 cups and couldn’t move a wall.
But when I took 4 bottles of beers,
I saw the wall moving itself.
These scientists should better stop their lies.

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A guy went for an interview at a big IT company for the position of “Computer Hacking Investigator”
The boss asked him: So, what makes you suitable for this job?
Well, he replied, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.
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8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
 

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1 hour ago, Seerose said:

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

 

I did that once.  Found the door locked when I got home - then the keys bounced off my head from the bedroom window.

 

i didn't feel it until the next day 

Edited by welshblue
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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar,

the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

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Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.
 

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How many men have thought, " ... that's a strange way to start a conversation ... "

- when their partner says, " Have you heard a word I've said to you ?"

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