MikeRobe

The Comedy Thread

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1 hour ago, Seerose said:

(...) The homeless answers: "Give me 10 euros and I'll help you out of the roundabout!"

MG_119.gif

 

6 minutes ago, Seerose said:

<3 Dear @Maximilian! Thank you for your constant support. :coffee: :cake:

Always here for the good friends!! LaieA_060.gif

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@Seerose ... absolutely loved that.  Although I have been known to go around a roundabout more than once myself :|

 

I asked my ex-wife to marry me - sadly she realised I was just after my money ...

 

Woman to husband, " Say dirty things to me"

Husband, " Bathroom, Kitchen, Living Room ... "

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Doctor: "Now turn off the Walkman and take off the headphones!"
Blonde: "Do not go, they are necessary!"
The doctor becomes too colorful and the blonde takes off the headphones.

The blonde starts catching a fish like a fish and runs blue.
The physician becomes queasy.

He picks up his headphones and hears "breathe in - breathe out - inhale - exhale"
 

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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

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Watch two blondes get a cowboy movie, in which a cowboy goes on a huge cactus field!
"I bet with you around 10 euros, that goes through there!", Says the one.
"I bet he's not riding through," says the other.
The cowboy rides through!
Says the first: "Alright! Can keep your coal! I've seen the movie before! "
Says the second: "Me too! But I did not think he'd go through again! "
 

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  1

 

An elderly woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.
     The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
     The elderly woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you husband and wife.

2

In answer to the question, "Hot enough for you?"

 

Inline image 2

 

 

3

 

59cb2ae313a04_stormcar2.jpg.0c431b8817a8e99e64d25150e6148c81.jpg[picture edited with PDN]

John Bradly, a young university student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. 

As it got later and later and still no car came by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see more than a few feet ahead. 

 

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.   

 

The car then started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.  Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with fear, watched as the hand pulled back through the window.  

 

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a bar appear down the road, so, gathering his strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

 

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and shaking ... and wasn't drunk 

 

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other men walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John  sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.

 

'Look Frankie ... there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it !'

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Paint.net user A: I heard Microsoft is going to put MSpaint into the store. I am worrying that they will improve it to beat Paint.net... :| 

Paint.net user B: No worries. As long as Windows updates always fail, no one can access to the store, so they have to use Paint.net :) 

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@Scooter ... that last one :D

 

My neighbours are listening to some great music ... whether they want to or not ...

 

Hearing voices in your head is normal.  Listening to them is normal.  Arguing with them - acceptable.  

It's only when you lose the argument that you're in real trouble ...

 

Organised people are simply too lazy to search for stuff

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Why does the blonde always invite a whole group of people to watch movies? It means: released from 18.

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

 

<3 @ I give points on Monday.

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17 hours ago, Seerose said:

Why does the blonde always invite a whole group of people to watch movies? It means: released from 18.

I think I am becoming blond. I did not get it. :D

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Maxilian LOL  especially the sign ..."will be "shoot" on sight :D

 

Oh, Seerose perhaps  Eli is only getting clear, how long ago 18 was 

On Ward to better humor and I hear welshblue is buying the whole class Jelly Babies - if they like his next joke 

1-

80 Year Old Couple Texting  

 Something for all you romantics
 

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. 
 The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
 One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
 She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. 
If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears……..  
I love you."


 The husband texted back to her:
  "I'm on the toilet.    Please advise."

2- 

Nine  Important Facts to Remember As We Grow Older:

#9-Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8-Life is sexually transmitted.
#7-Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
#6-Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they
can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes,
make him a sandwich.
#5-Give  a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks,
months, maybe years unless you give them your email
address.
#4-Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the
hospital, dying of nothing.
#3-All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
#2-In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it
normal.
#1-Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be
a burning issue tomorrow.

 

bow2.gif.377161098acb8af7145a14d7160942bb.gifla fin

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@Maximilian ... the Blind Date one :lol:

 

@Scooter ... #6 ... I was wondering why my wife is buying bread everyday

 

A man goes into a chemist, "A box of condoms please"  "That will be 3.99 please.  Do you want a bag ? "  "No it's OK" replies the man, " She's actually quite pretty ..."

 

A blind man comes to a town square and starts swinging his dog by the tail.  "What are you doing ??" screams a passerby ... "It's OK" replies the blind man, "I'm just looking around"

 

Don't read if you're of a sensitive nature ...

Spoiler

 

Two Arabs are sat having a quiet drink, one starts looking at photos in his wallet.  "This is my first son, he's a martyr.  This is my second son, he's also a martyr"

 

The second man sit's there contemplating ... nods and says, "They blow up so fast these days, don't they"

 

*** No offence meant to any race or nation by inaccurate stereotyping***

 

Edited by welshblue
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@MadJik ... that's so bad, it really funny

 

A Welshman, Englishman and Scotsman are out walking when they come across a lamp.  Out pops a genie and grants them one wish each.

The Scot says, " I'm a sheep farmer and want my beautiful Country full of sheep farms " Whooosh and so it was.

The Englishman says, " I want a huge wall around England to keep out the damned Scots and Welsh " Bang.  So there was.

The Welshman says, "Tell me more about this wall"  To which the genie replies ," It's 200 feet high and goes all around England and nothing can get in or out"

The Welshman thinks long and hard, then says, " Fill it with water ..."

 

-----------------------------------

Two English tourists are driving through Wales and they stop in Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch. (really a place)

Stopping for lunch, one says to the girl behind the counter, " Before we order, can you settle a bet for us.  Can you pronounce where we are very, very slowly "

 

The girl leaned over the counter and says, " Burrrr ... Gurrr Kinnng ..."

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10 hours ago, welshblue said:

Two English tourists are driving through Wales and they stop in Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch. (really a place)

Stopping for lunch, one says to the girl behind the counter, " Before we order, can you settle a bet for us.  Can you pronounce where we are very, very slowly "

 

The girl leaned over the counter and says, " Burrrr ... Gurrr Kinnng ..."

:lol: Class :lol: 

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10 hours ago, welshblue said:

Two English tourists are driving through Wales and they stop in Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch. (really a place)

Stopping for lunch, one says to the girl behind the counter, " Before we order, can you settle a bet for us.  Can you pronounce where we are very, very slowly "

 

The girl leaned over the counter and says, " Burrrr ... Gurrr Kinnng ..."

 

I think she's got a cousin in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin (they tell a similar joke there; now I know where they got it!).

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