MikeRobe

The Comedy Thread

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BoltBait    1,305

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle of vodka and put it in the basket on the front. Then it occoured to me that if i fell or something happened then the bottle might break. so I drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home. 

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Maximilian    1,057

PA: Doctor, there's a man on line 3 who says he is invisible.

Doctor: Well, tell him I can't see him right now.

 

:P

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Maximilian    1,057

A duck walks into a bar and asks: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we haven't got any bread!”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “Are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread and if you ask me again, I'll nail your dang beak to the bar, you irritating dang duck!!!”
Duck says: “Got any nails?”
Barman says: “No!”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”

 

animated-duck-image-0092.gif

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Maximilian    1,057
3 hours ago, Seerose said:

groehl.gif If there is no nails, then she can not say bread.

phil_23.gif  ........... MG_119.gif

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Seerose    2,098

Womens

 

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.

The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.

 

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MadJik    388

men

Two fellows are walking in the street following two women. The first one says, "You see these two women? The one on the left is my wife, the one on the right is my lover."
The second says "it's funny, for me it's the opposite".

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welshblue    562

An experiment revealed that the average teenager can go 3 weeks without food, 3 days without water but only 3 hours without WiFi

 

The great thing about the NHS is the cradle to grave free health care ... The Conservatives  want to shorten the waiting time in between

 

 

 

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BoltBait    1,305

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and discovered he had seriously misunderstood the objective. 

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Scooter    142

 

OK if you are going to limit my "likes" I'll, I'll just  show you......foottap.gif.3c7630e7c508729c529b8b4bce658149.gif

 

Take This! 

1-

 59bdb3adc6a27_nutrionaloveracheaver.jpg.ddf825995093c63c3540dadea351ebd0.jpg

 

 

2-

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first Football [ American- for our soccer friends]  game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!"

 3-

The Cynical Philosopher...                     

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

 

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.  embarrested.gif.fc93fc2cd2762c233e6ef14fa0d9cfde.gif

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Scooter
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Maximilian    1,057

I saw an ad that read, “Radio for sale. $1. Volume stuck on full.” JC_thinking.gif I immediately thought I wouldn't turn it down!! LaieA_032.gifwink.gif

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BoltBait    1,305

"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space."

 

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

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welshblue    562

I dunno.  Not so terrible ... was a groan then a chuckle this end.

 

So much has changed since my wife told me we're having another baby

 

Namely my name, address and appearance

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Scooter    142
On ‎9‎/‎19‎/‎2017 at 9:15 AM, welshblue said:

Men in 1845 - " I just shot a buffalo"

 

Men in 1952 - " I just fixed the roof"

 

Men in 2017 - " I just shaved my legs and waxed my eyebrows"

crazzy.gif.0b1ba845745c7f784cf79cf057ffd6de.gif AWWWWWWWWW!  bouncing-no.gif.5331d97487aadb506489f999fca95252.gifsay it isn't so..... 

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