MikeRobe Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) Post your best (or worst) jokes here! I'll start: How many road workers does it take to change a lightbulb? 2 to lay out cones, 2 to operate the stop/go signs 1 to make the coffee 1 to administrate 3 to stand around looking important and 1 to change the lightbulb. (10) (Apologies if you work in this industry!) Your turn! Edited May 20, 2014 by MikeRobe 1 Quote I baked another one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrewDale Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Two Parrots sat on a perch. One of them says to the other "Can you smell fish" ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechnoRobbo Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) A horse walks into a bar, Bartender says, "Hey buddy ,why the long face?" ======================================== Two rocket scientist walking down the street. One says , "Hey look, a dead bird!". The other one looks up a goes "Where?" ================================= Doctor: I'm sorry, but you have 6 months to live. Patient: I think I want a second opinion Doctor : Ok, your ugly too Edited May 20, 2014 by TechnoRobbo Quote Go out there and be amazing. Have Fun, TRSome Pretty Pictures Some Cool Plugins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david.atwell Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Doctor: I'm sorry, but you have 6 months to live. Patient: I think I want a second opinion Doctor : Ok, your ugly too Sorry, Data told it better: ;-) Badoomboom. Quote The Doctor: There was a goblin, or a trickster, or a warrior... A nameless, terrible thing, soaked in the blood of a billion galaxies. The most feared being in all the cosmos. And nothing could stop it, or hold it, or reason with it. One day it would just drop out of the sky and tear down your world.Amy: But how did it end up in there?The Doctor: You know fairy tales. A good wizard tricked it.River Song: I hate good wizards in fairy tales; they always turn out to be him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh501stSnoipeh Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 There is a new band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet. 1 Quote Steam Profile: http://steamcommunity.com/id/glitchmaster225/ “If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.” - Steven Wright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoltBait Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 1 Quote Click to play: Download: BoltBait's Plugin Pack | CodeLab | and how about a Computer Dominos Game Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red ochre Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 ^^Enjoyed that! - great idea Reminds me of this: 1 Quote Red ochre Plugin pack.............. Diabolical Drawings ................Real Paintings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pratyush Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 (edited) Scene: Husband and wife together at home on a holiday. Wife :Have you taken your lunch? Husband:Have you taken your lunch? Wife :What are you doing? Husband:What are you doing? Wife :Are you copying me? Husband:Are you copying me? Wife : Let's go for shopping? Husband: Ah! Lunch was great.. =================================================================================== Q: What was written upon the dentist's grave?A:It was the last cavity he filled. =================================================================================== Three men went churchon easter sunday, When donation box arrived,One passed out, two carried him away. =================================================================================== Scene: A person sitting on loo in a public toilet. Then he hears a voice from outside.Outsider: Hey dude! What's up? Person : AHH...!!?Outsider: How are you?Person : I'm fine....Outsider: What are you doing now?Person : NOTHING, just the usual stuffs.Outsider: Sounds fun!! I may come also?Person : ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!Outsider:Hey don't mind, there's an idiot here in toilet who is just answering questions. I will call back you later. Edited August 16, 2014 by Pratyush Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skullbonz Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Quote http://forums.getpaint.net/index.php?/topic/21233-skullbonz-art-gallery Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drydareelin Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 (edited) I recently got a job at NASA. I'm absolutely over the moon! I can't stand broken chairs. My mother used to beat me with the phone. I was always on the receiving end. I took my GCSE's on a ski slope. Talk about a steep learning curve. I joined a fan club, how cool is that?! I'd tell you a joke about a brick wall, but you wouldn't get over it. I went to this pub the other day called 'The Fiddle'. It really was a vile inn. Working in a factory making mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing. Just my luck. I put on the TV and it didn't fit. Went to Spain and forgot my damn suntan lotion. No need to rub it in though. I got 2 job offers today! One in a production line and the other a dismantling yard. It was make or break from now on. Tennis. What a racket. I wouldn't mind taking a stab at fencing. Skydivers are so down-to-earth. The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking. I hate surgeons. The last one stitched me up. I was going to have a brain transplant but I changed my mind. I have many more for after you've finished cringing. You're welcome. Edited August 25, 2014 by Drydareelin 3 Quote Gallery DeviantArt Planet Tutorial | Sun Tutorial Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david.atwell Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Just my luck. I put on the TV and it didn't fit. You're from a Commonwealth country, aren't you? Quote The Doctor: There was a goblin, or a trickster, or a warrior... A nameless, terrible thing, soaked in the blood of a billion galaxies. The most feared being in all the cosmos. And nothing could stop it, or hold it, or reason with it. One day it would just drop out of the sky and tear down your world.Amy: But how did it end up in there?The Doctor: You know fairy tales. A good wizard tricked it.River Song: I hate good wizards in fairy tales; they always turn out to be him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drydareelin Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 You're from a Commonwealth country, aren't you? Good ol' England. Quote Gallery DeviantArt Planet Tutorial | Sun Tutorial Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh501stSnoipeh Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I wouldn't mind taking a stab at fencing. LULZ! Inconsistency just isn't what it used to be... Quote Steam Profile: http://steamcommunity.com/id/glitchmaster225/ “If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.” - Steven Wright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drydareelin Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Einstein developed a theory about space. It's about time too! Quote Gallery DeviantArt Planet Tutorial | Sun Tutorial Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seerose Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 "Harvey, will you still love me when my hair is grey?" "I've loved you through blond, brunette, red and every other color. Why not grey?" 1 Quote Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Gandhi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skullbonz Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door."Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer."No, they went to town.""How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?""No, he went with Mom and Dad."The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard." 1 Quote http://forums.getpaint.net/index.php?/topic/21233-skullbonz-art-gallery Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seerose Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 A woman comes back home to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "Have you killing any?" she asks him. "Yep," replies her husband, "two males and two females." "How can you tell?" she says. He replies, "Two were on the beer can and two were on the phone." 2 Quote Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Gandhi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drydareelin Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Apple recently tried to create a new iPod which is based fully around the use of children. It had cushioned edges, thicker screens and no small parts. They had to cancel it after their product name didn't catch on though. Apparently "iTouch Kids" wasn't appropriate. Quote Gallery DeviantArt Planet Tutorial | Sun Tutorial Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seerose Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 The children of a Catholic elementary school were lined up in the canteen for lunch one day. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and stuck it into the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along thr lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Here a child had placed a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." 1 Quote Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Gandhi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seerose Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her." 2 Quote Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Gandhi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seerose Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replied, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark." 1 Quote Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Gandhi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HELEN Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 These are really good, Seerose. Made me laugh. 1 Quote Don't spit into the well, you might drink from it later. -----Yiddish ProverbGlossy Galaxy Ball---How to Make FoliageMy Gallery PDN Fans--My DA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seerose Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 @Dear HELEN! Laughing is healthy. That pleases me very much. The Perfect Son A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday. 1 Quote Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Gandhi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drydareelin Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I have this book on anti gravity. It's great! Very informative and well explained. In fact it's so good I can't put it down. 1 Quote Gallery DeviantArt Planet Tutorial | Sun Tutorial Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seerose Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet. A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!" Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. 2 Quote Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Gandhi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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