MikeRobe

The Comedy Thread

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MikeRobe    35

Post your best (or worst) jokes here!

 

I'll start:

 

How many road workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

2 to lay out cones,

2 to operate the stop/go signs

1 to make the coffee

1 to administrate

3 to stand around looking important

and

1 to change the lightbulb.

 

(10)

(Apologies if you work in this industry!)

 

Your turn!

Edited by MikeRobe

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TechnoRobbo    1,149

A horse walks into a bar, Bartender says, "Hey buddy ,why the long face?"

========================================

Two rocket scientist walking down the street. One says , "Hey look, a dead bird!". The other one looks up a goes "Where?"

=================================

Doctor: I'm sorry, but you have 6 months to live.

Patient: I think I want a second opinion

Doctor : Ok, your ugly too

Edited by TechnoRobbo
  • Upvote 1

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david.atwell    281

Doctor: I'm sorry, but you have 6 months to live.

Patient: I think I want a second opinion

Doctor : Ok, your ugly too

Sorry, Data told it better: ;-)

Badoomboom.

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Pratyush    33

Scene: Husband and wife together at home on a holiday.

 

Wife       :Have you taken your lunch?

Husband:Have you taken your lunch?

Wife       :What are you doing?

Husband:What are you doing?

Wife       :Are you copying me?

Husband:Are you copying me?

Wife       : Let's go for shopping?

Husband: Ah! Lunch was great..

===================================================================================

 

Q: What was written upon the dentist's grave?
A:It was the last cavity he filled.

 

===================================================================================

Three men went church
on easter sunday,

When donation box arrived,
One passed out, two carried him away.

===================================================================================

Scene: A person sitting on loo in a public toilet. Then he hears a voice from outside.

Outsider: Hey dude! What's up?

Person  : AHH...!!?
Outsider: How are you?
Person  : I'm fine....
Outsider: What are you doing now?
Person  : NOTHING, just the usual stuffs.
Outsider: Sounds fun!! I may come also?
Person  : ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
Outsider:Hey don't mind, there's an idiot here in toilet who is just answering questions. I will call back you later.

Edited by Pratyush

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Drydareelin    138

I recently got a job at NASA. I'm absolutely over the moon!

 

I can't stand broken chairs.

 

My mother used to beat me with the phone. I was always on the receiving end.

 

I took my GCSE's on a ski slope. Talk about a steep learning curve. 

 

I joined a fan club, how cool is that?!

 

I'd tell you a joke about a brick wall, but you wouldn't get over it.

 

I went to this pub the other day called 'The Fiddle'. It really was a vile inn.

 

Working in a factory making mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.

 

Just my luck. I put on the TV and it didn't fit.

 

Went to Spain and forgot my damn suntan lotion. No need to rub it in though.

 

I got 2 job offers today! One in a production line and the other a dismantling yard. It was make or break from now on.

 

Tennis. What a racket.

 

I wouldn't mind taking a stab at fencing.

 

Skydivers are so down-to-earth.

 

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.

 

I hate surgeons. The last one stitched me up.

 

I was going to have a brain transplant but I changed my mind.

 

 

 

I have many more for after you've finished cringing.

 

You're welcome.

Edited by Drydareelin
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david.atwell    281

Just my luck. I put on the TV and it didn't fit.

You're from a Commonwealth country, aren't you? ;)

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Seerose    1,965

"Harvey, will you still love me when my hair is grey?" 
"I've loved you through blond, brunette, red and every other color. Why not grey?"

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skullbonz    355

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

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Seerose    1,965

A woman comes back home to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 

"Have you killing any?" she asks him. 

"Yep," replies her husband, "two males and two females." 

"How can you tell?" she says. He replies,

"Two were on the beer can and two were on the phone." 

  • Upvote 2

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Drydareelin    138

Apple recently tried to create a new iPod which is based fully around the use of children.

It had cushioned edges, thicker screens and no small parts.

 

They had to cancel it after their product name didn't catch on though.

Apparently "iTouch Kids" wasn't appropriate. 

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Seerose    1,965

The children of a Catholic elementary school were lined up in the canteen for lunch one day. 

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. 
The nun made a note and stuck it into the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." 
Moving further along thr lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
Here a child had placed a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." 
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Seerose    1,965
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

 One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" 

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." 

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." 

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" 

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." 

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" 

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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Seerose    1,965
Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

The woman replied, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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Seerose    1,965
@Dear HELEN! Laughing is healthy. That pleases me very much. 

 

The Perfect Son

 

A: I have the perfect son. 

B: Does he smoke? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: Does he drink whiskey? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: Does he ever come home late? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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Seerose    1,965
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. 

Boy: What are the two things? 

Girl: Your feet. 

 

22.gif

 

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." 

The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" 

The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." 

The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!" 

 

22.gif

 

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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