The "Confessions" Thread

[AGJM]

Well, I figured that some of us may have a few secrets that we wouldn't be comfortable sharing with anyone face to face, as group of people would.
Here is a thread for you to share anything that you are comfortable with sharing.

I guess I'll start.

It is a bit about my life to explain what lead up to my actions.

Hidden Content:

ayy, removed because I still use my initials and I can't find a delete button.  Sorry, folks.  

So, that's my confession. What's yours? Edited February 29, 2016 by AGJM

[yy10]

dont kill yourself bro

enjoy life and get girls dude

[AhmedElyamani]

hey , AGJM , your story was amusing , it was a little bit sad , but i'd buy novels like that Buddy ! you may write more .. also i liked your small business

Ahmed

[Sfifer]

dont kill yourself bro

enjoy life and get girls dude

I'm with yy10 here. As someone who's been down the suicide road before, it's not worth it.

[Aislin]

AGJM, You must know that there are a lot of people with the same feelings and thoughts, like that friend of yours who indirectly saved you. To be honest, I was someone who did that too, until I almost threw myself out of a window from an apartment at the 14th floor... that actually opened my eyes (I was just 18 back then so almost 5 years ago).

You have found a really good way to express your emotions, because that is what depression usually is, keeping your emotions inside. Use PDN, use a diary to express yourself and you'll be okey, although it might take a while...

I feel a bit odd to tell my story, I do not want to pull all the attention over to me, which is a part of the problem why I got depressed in the first place. It started when my parents got a divorce when I was 12 years old. My mom needed someone to talk with and I always listen to people when they need someone to talk to, so she told me that my dad and she were splitting up. I was not allowed to tell it to my brother and sister, of course, that is the job of the parents...

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Allright, that was a hard time, I was there for my mom who was very sad whole the time and my dad was, I don't know where. After a couple months she met some guy through the net, but I hated him... My mom, at the same time, started to talk very angry about my dad, told things that were not true, so my mom and I started fighting a lot, till at one point, my dad bought a house nearby and my brother and I went to live there (my brother and I hated each other because he tried to rape me a couple times when I was 12, luckily nothing happened, I told my parents just a couple years ago and found out he did that to my little sister as well).

My mom was mad that I moved in with my dad and I did not speak to her again. A couple months later, my dad and I moved to an other city, well to a trailer-park in a forest nearby that city, where I went to school. I became a goth and just had a few friends (2 or 3). In the summer when I was 15 (2004) I smoked weed for the first time, and I liked it. My dad was that summer almost every day gone, my friends were on a holiday so I was basically alone in our trailer, sometimes without food or money. I started to do stupid things, inviting guy's over for you know what, smoking weed. Until my dad found out and brought me to my mom, for the first time I saw her in about 3 or 4 years. Her husband, she got married with that guy, kicked me and hit me, just because I was texting with my dad. Within 4 day's Child Protection brought me over to a secret house for girls where I could stay for 2 months, after that I needed some place where I could go to... that was a niece of my dad.

Because I was in my final year of school, I was not able to change schools and had to travel 4 hours a day to go to school and go home. I became some kind of Cinderella. And it didn't last long before I left that place. I went to my grandma, started to go working at a supermarket. But because my grandma was ill (and I slept on the floor in the livingroom) I had to find some other place again! I was just 16. Finally I had some luck and I went to some place for teenagers with these kind of problems, where you learn how to take care of yourself, and how to spend money etc. I stayed there almost a year, I was able to go to collage and I had fun! Great friends, a job outside of school, grandma nearby. But then, they told me they couldn't teach me anymore since I had learned everything and I had to find my own place (I was 17 in the year 2006). I found a room in a student flat on the first floor. It all went backwards then...

I quit school, because there was no money for it. I worked 6days a week 12 hours per day in a supermarket. There was a pub on the basement of the student flat where i went every night after work. I started drinking, smoking hasj I even did magic mushrooms and i cut myself... I created the habit by breaking a glass when I was feeling mad, and use the broken glass to cut myself. Eventually I took broken glass with me to the pub and cut myself under the table where no one could see it. I was in a very dark place and did not know how to get out.

I did had a boyfriend when I just turned 18, he lived on the 14th floor and was a drug addict himself, but not the violent type but the sweet type who was in a dark place himself (he found out that he was bisexual during the time we had a relationship). One night I don't know how I got there because everything was blank, I found myself at the window ready to jump (I was at my boyfriends on the 14th floor) at the moment I was going to jump, he grabbed me from behind and pulled me back. That moment opened my eyes and i thought, what am I doing?

This man saved my life, I will always be thankful for. It took me a while to recover, I think I was just fully recovered when I went to Belgium in July 2010. One of the reasons that I left the Netherlands was because I wanted to leave the country of problems, that and with the help of my loving boyfriend has helped me recover fully and i enjoy life so much now! Especially now I have a sweet little boy to take care of!

As you can see AGJM, it can all work out well. Learn from yourself when you're climbing up that large hill. You will find the strength to go on, you will find pieces of yourself you did not aware of but makes you so strong! There is light in the tunnel, even if you don't see it yourself! And of course, it is a long climb, and you might fall down a couple times, but when you reach the top, by learning and trying to see the positive things in life, you will never fall down again and be the happiest man of the world! If you need someone to talk to, I am here, as for all other who need to talk with someone

[NinjaManDan21]

Agjm, as a brother in the Lord, I can tell you that I have felt the same way before, but I'm not the kind of person to injure myself and my faith denies me the choice. Suicide is not an option. You just need to find purpose, read the Bible, talk to your pastor, God gave you people to help you dude. Yes life sucks, but Jesus will help you thru it!!

[Lance McKnight]

Here's my confession -

Lance isn't my real name. I am actually from Mars. And I'm going to take over the world.

[Kemaru]

My confession: I don't like it when my family and friends keep telling me how thin I am or how much I've lost weight. (70kg/163lbs to 56kg/120lbs) I don't like it because I've still got more fat tissue than I'd like, and I'm a perfectionist so anything below what I want is inadequate (in cases where I have an influence on the thing I desire). I'm afraid my friends and family might think I have an eating disorder though so I have to keep how I think of my body a secret.

[nitenurse79]

One or two heavy confessions on here, I don't know if my life has been boring / dull or ordinary after reading these entries here. My only confession is (sadly) my brother played on and co-wrote some "songs" by Roxette. Not a thing I am really proud of, but it did give him the chance to work away from our little community.

However;

My brother lives in New York, My sister lives in Ibiza, my other sister still lives in my native Sweden. I miss them all, they have yet to meet my two daughters, even though my eldest is now into her 13th year on this globe, when I was married in England, I had a work friends father give me away (my father is an airline pilot, so he could not see me get married due to work commitments) The last time I saw my parents was when I was 27 (I am 33 this year) We are not a close family (as you may guess) I always the miss the bond that we all had when life was simple back home and we had family occations, nights out, nights in, fun times, good times, bad times. we was always there for each other, yet sometimes I just want to have that hug from my mother / fahter / sisters / brother. I really miss the comfort of family so much right now.

Not really a confession, but I do miss all that I used to take for granted

[NinjaManDan21]

Really widens one's sights doesn't it.

Hidden Content:

Well, I've been chased by girls from 1st grade to 5th, and stalked by them since then. I had a girlfriend (if you could really call it that, we both loved each other) in 4th grade but then I moved away from my home in Colorado when 4th grade ended in 2005 (I was 10 years old) to where I reside now in Virginia. I have been liked by several girls at my church (I am homeschooled as of 6th grade) but each havs moved away or stopped coming. I've had no good friends of my own to hang with for 6 years. My older and younger brothers have friends but I have felt quite alone for some time and I miss my gf.

Not much of a confession, but I felt like sharing that with you guys.

Edited January 21, 2012 by NinjaManDan21

[AGJM]

Agjm, as a brother in the Lord, I can tell you that I have felt the same way before, but I'm not the kind of person to injure myself and my faith denies me the choice. Suicide is not an option. You just need to find purpose, read the Bible, talk to your pastor, God gave you people to help you dude. Yes life sucks, but Jesus will help you thru it!!

Thanks, but I actually feel like my faith is stronger than ever these days. God is helping me through things. Part of my frustration that lead to cutting was the ADD thing, and it was resolved through it. God managed to put my self harm to good use, and somehow that has strengthened my faith.

God is tangible in our lives, but the people around me seem to see him as a separate observer from our lives.

I keep wanting to influence people to see that he is just so indescribably joyful and great. Sadly, I can't do him justice from my words, so I struggle to find ways to influence people.

I think I'm derailing my own thread, now.

Another confession: I always overestimate myself. Is anyone else guilty of this?

[Lance McKnight]

AGJM, I think everybody does this to oneself. We over- and underestimate ourselves. I think we often cannot see what we truly are capable of doing until pushed, pushed, and pushed till we snap. I mean this in a positive way, not in a negative, torturous way.

For example, one spring, my wife signed me up to coach a U10 girl soccer team. I didn't think I was going to be a good coach because I was afraid of my competitive nature and strictness would turn off some of the parents. It turned out, not only did I have a blast coaching the girls, but the parents actually enjoyed the season. They were disappointed when I decided not to coach again the fall due to the commitment it required. My wife have, for years, tried to tell me I would make a good teacher (sure, if the school would tolerate my drill sergeant like approach), but I told her she was crazy. I would make all students stand up when they give an answer, and to sit up straight. Parents would be up in arms about my strong-arm tactics (but that's what they are doing in China and Korea).

Another thought. I didn't think I would be able to create glassy-like objects in PDN like Ash did, but I preserved. Yeah, I had tantrums now and then, but I got it. Then discovered I could easily create glass objects with Google SketchUp and Kerkythea, and created some glasses that are in my dA gallery.

Edited January 22, 2012 by Lance McKnight

[NinjaManDan21]

God managed to put my self harm to good use, and somehow that has strengthened my faith.

I know what you mean. God will use anything he can in our lives to bring us back to him even if it means nearly killing yourself or messing up your life through sin to the point that you want to vomit from disgust. When we see his loving and gracious hand in our lives it strengthens us. Just remember, God works all things to good for them who love him. He is using my trials and struggles to build me and he will use yours too. Trust in him and pray that he would reveal his plan for you, and in so doing, you WILL find joy and his strength will be made perfect in your weakness.

[Aislin]

lol, the only reason why I told my story is just to show that it can be okey in the end, it doesn't have to be that way... but sometimes, the hard way opens your eyes...

[Aislin]

it is true as I said before that some people just open their eyes in a hard way... maybe some will open their eyes of what you have said, but for me, an action like that would have made everything even worse... it is very difficult to know what will help a person, because that is always different...

Sometimes a doctor will really help, and you'll get better and all... sometimes it's not helping at all...

Apology to you Welsh, because I actually got a little mad when I saw your post yesterday, even though in some way I can understand what you mean...

if someone wants to do it - they'll do it

is not quite true... Some really want to but they can't for their own personal reason... Maybe they think there will be light at the end of the tunnel, some day... and there are plenty of more reasons...

[Kemaru]

Confession: Noticed a small bottle of strawberry liqueur in the kitchen cabinet. It's now in my room, hidden in a camera carrying bag.

[delpart]

**Disclaimer: Just my rambling thoughts and not directed at or for anyone in particular. Just the last reply sparked my desire to share some thoughts regarding this ...

I read between the lines more on that idea of people either being committed or not and seeking help ... WB made a specific recommendation of sorts, but most people just need some outside help to gain perspective into what and why they've come to that point. For some its organized religion, other's its the medical approach ... for others its more complicated for sure.

Most people who "attempt" suicide are usually not lacking the ability to kill themselves and somehow just fail at it ... More or less it boils down into a self protection mechanism kicking in and causing the failure. I do say most. Some depressed people really do lack in the wits department to know how to actually do themselves in.

However this sort of psychology is complicated and really gets into way too many personal inflections and opinions. You cannot successfully surmise what takes most professionals decades and tens of thousands of hours of study into a forum reply ... As well its usually best to treat it like religion and not become too offended with how most people deal with a very sensitive and ugly subject. Depression and similar potential "ailments" are not "logical" and thus lack the ability to be discussed with a rational mindset in most cases. Being objective about any of it is extremely difficult.

I for one have witnessed the act of suicide by far too many who were very successful in their desire to exit stage left. No amount of "help" kept this from happening. In most cases, each person's need/desire/etc that drove them to that was different and seemingly confusing and contradictory.

Having to rationalize the difference between losing a friend from self infliction versus an accident is not something anyone should have to experience. Live around adrenaline junkies, artists, and military and you get to experience the whole spectrum of loss in one form of the other.

Funny that the idea of "confession is good for the soul" usually involves someone getting upset with other people sharing their story in one way or another. Gotta love being more complicated than a pie chart sometimes.

Edited January 29, 2012 by delpart

[RedBeard]

Not really a confession, but I do miss all that I used to take for granted

Sadly, that seems to be the way of human nature, nitenurse. We take things for granted until they aren't there anymore.

@Welsh: I'm so sorry for your loss, Welsh. No one should ever have to endure the pain and guilt in the aftermath of a suicide, ESPECIALLY that of a family member or close friend.

[Beta0]

Not sure if it's a good time to 'revive' this thread, but...here's my confession.

I was waiting for one of my siblings at the van. A boy was calling me by one of my last names. I acted as if he didn't exist.

Why would I do that? Simple. He was the reason why a group of angry women tried to injure my mother. They thought she beat him when, in reality, she just wanted to talk to his mother because he was mocking my sister.

I had to stand between the mob and my mother so they would stop beating her.

I do not tolerate anyone who tries to harm my family.

[doverdemon77]

Here's my confession, it's probably not as good as all those other ones...

 

Hidden Content: Spoiler Alert!

 

I really HATE gifts. You know, I find the practice of "gift giving" to be an
EXTREMELY unsociable, irresponsible, and disrespectful act. Sure, THEY've taught
us all to LOVE gift giving. It's so nice on X-Mas (the celebration of the birth
of that guy who would later be publically executed) with all the colors and
flashing lights everywhere and the eloquent animal corpses to eat...and/or that
obese elderly man who uses reigndeers to pull him thru the sky and dresses in
non-practical clothing...he'll get in yer house while yer sleeping on the
25th...yikes!

 

But really, THINK about it. How can a person ever really KNOW what another
person wants? Sure, you can even get the product right, but what about the
color? What about the style?

 

Best Scenario: You give the person something they wanted but it's the wrong
style or color. Well, I guess NOW they have to live with the imperfection of
your action...unless they're the type to just throw it away. You're a real
a-hole my friend. YOU just made their life even MORE imperfect.

 

Worst Scenario: You give them something they didn't want. NOW you've wasted
their time, the time of the workers who mined/harvested/made/shipped/sold the
item. You're a real social leach my friend.

 

No, gifts stink. Give money and a cool card (hey, you graphic artists
should like that).

Edited September 25, 2013 by doverdemon77

[teh501stSnoipeh]

My confession: (this one is about the Sonic franchise)

 

The first time I heard the song "All Hail Shadow" I thought the song said "Aw Hell, Shadow"