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Kamikaze Duck

Chuck Norris Jokes

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The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris was Jewish.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.

Chuck Norris' computer has no backspace button, for Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris doesn't cut his grass, he dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

The saddest moment in a child's life is not when they find out that Santa is not real; but its when they find out that Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eyes.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

When the tooth fairy comes to your house it takes your tooth and gives you money. But when Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris can lock you inside a motorcycle.

I did not write these, just found them on the inter-web.

Haha, That has me cracking up! :lol::lol:

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In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

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oh gosh, there are too many of these......

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' [butt]. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

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I prefer the slightly longer ones:

Chuck Norris was never a baby. He roundhouse kicked his way out of his mother's womb, fully grown. Including the beard. Then, on the second day he was on this planet, he married an entire convent of nuns; nine months later, they gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins - the only completely undefeated team in NFL history.

Time and tide wait for no man. Including Chuck Norris. But that's because when they tried to stop for him last time, he told them they'd better knock that bloody potato off and get back to work.

Roller coasters are science's efforts to replicate the G-forces encountered by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. So far nothing has come even close.

When King George learned that Chuck Norris would be born in the United States, he felt the wind of a roundhouse kick coming through time to kill him. He surrendered the nation immediately.

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The National Football League banned Chuck Norris. He kept throwing touchdowns to himself.

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...Chuck Norris doesn't need to turn a computer on to program it.

...When Chuck Norris took a bath the water jumped out - the first time!

...Chuck Norris cracks POP3 connections to send emails.

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Chuck Norris uses Paint.Net... do you??

Also, Chuck Norris doesn't need an MP3 player. Songs play when he tells them to.

Chuck Norris also does not need baths- his body is so immaculate any ammoutn of soap and water would simply tarnish his skin slightly.

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Chuck Norris can e-mail his round-house kicks.

Chuck Norris can control space time. He once round house kicked himself for the heck of it.

Chuck Norris can say Candle Jack and still finish his sentence.

When God said "Let there be light," Chuck Norris said "Say please."

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Here is an original I made up:

Germ-X kills 99.9% of germs. Chuck Norris kills 100% of all living things.

Another one with an explicit warning:

Hidden Content:
EDIT: Um... no.

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Not even cyber-ninja-zombie -pirates that shoot lasers from thier mouth can defeat Chuc Norris. No-one can.

Well obviously. The Cyber-Ninja-Zombie-Pirates that shoot lasers from their mouths would be too busy fighting eachother.

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Not even cyber-ninja-zombie -pirates that shoot lasers from thier mouth can defeat Chuc Norris. No-one can.

Well obviously. The Cyber-Ninja-Zombie-Pirates that shoot lasers from their mouths would be too busy fighting eachother.

I don't think so, they're highly organised and led by--

Sorry everyone, I'm gonna have to stop typing there and start grovelling. Chuc's here. ;)

I know the grovellign won't do any good- I'll just do it because he enjoys it and living beings are forced, by nature, to please him.

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What I don't understand, though, is how you can use the words "Pirate" and "Ninja" in the same sentance to describe something.

Such a thing would surely self destruct, commit suicide, or otherwise oblitterate itself.

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Here is an original I made up:

Germ-X kills 99.9% of germs. Chuck Norris kills 100% of all living things.

Another one with an explicit warning:

Hidden Content:
EDIT: Um... no.

Sry to break it to ya, but I heard that one already. :wink:

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Here is an original I made up:

Germ-X kills 99.9% of germs. Chuck Norris kills 100% of all living things.

Another one with an explicit warning:

Hidden Content:
EDIT: Um... no.

Sry to break it to ya, but I heard that one already. :wink:

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