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Kamikaze Duck

Chuck Norris Jokes

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if u have 5 dollars and chuck norris has 5 dollars, chuck norris has more money than you

rumour has it that chuck norris once shot down a german fighter plane by pointing out his hands, and yelling BANG

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These are too funny. :lol:

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

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Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly until his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

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The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris was Jewish.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.

Chuck Norris' computer has no backspace button, for Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris doesn't cut his grass, he dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

The saddest moment in a child's life is not when they find out that Santa is not real; but its when they find out that Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eyes.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

When the tooth fairy comes to your house it takes your tooth and gives you money. But when Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris can lock you inside a motorcycle.

I did not write these, just found them on the inter-web.

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Chuck Norris doesn't want to stop climate change, the environment wants to stop Chuck Norris changing.

Whenever you install GNU, GNU installs Chuck Norris.

Zero cannot be divided by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not 1337, 1337 is Chuck Norris.

Ashleigh Brilliant has never sued Chuck Norris, but the reverse has happened.

:(

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From http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/:

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

From http://www.thechucknorrisfacts.com/:

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

From http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck:

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

From http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Chuck_Norris/Facts:

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' beard is a third degree black belt.

If you find yourself in a dire situation, just ask yourself: "What Would Chuck Norris Do?" Needless to say, you then give up, because you can't do what Chuck Norris does.

1 Chuck Norris + 1 Chuck Norris = 1 Chuck Norris (Because there is only 1 Chuck Norris.)

Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping.

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero

Chuck Norris can view BCC recipients in emails.

The Hiroshima A-bomb was the result of when Chuck Norris played golf.

The C in E=mc2 stands for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris IS the law of physics.

Chuck Norris. That is the shortest and most awe-inspiring sentence in the English language.

Chuck Norris does not ask for advice. Advice asks for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once...(The author of this comment was found murdered in his dorm room before submitting this post. If any anyone has any information about this murder please visit this website http://WWW.FBI.GOV. We believe the killer may be... The FBI officer who was posting this comment was found murdered in his office before finishing this post. If any anyone has any information about this murder please visit this website http://WWW.FBI.GOV. We believe the killer may be Chuck...) This is the head of the FBI... There are dead bodies everywhere, Chuck , If you killed these men I swear I will...

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Chuck Norris

sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

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Chuck Norris was born in a house he built!

The real reason babies cry when there born because they're born into a world of Chuck Norris!

P.S. Kamikaze Duck, you stink. I was about to post this thread!

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